i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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