Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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