When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
