tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize