I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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