I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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