we made out on top of his cat.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
