Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
