They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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