we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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