She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
