Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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