Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
okay pat passed out under dana's car
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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