thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
