hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
