Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ketchup is God's man juice
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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