i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
