Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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