I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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