Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
