i barfeds in our rink
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
this just has baby written all over it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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