Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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