Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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