If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
