dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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