i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
