I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
