he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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