Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Welp...herpes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My pussy is not your playground.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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