Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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