either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
