is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
