dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
