found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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