My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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