I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
