woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
