When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
