So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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