i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
