the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
