Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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