Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
