well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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