Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
