Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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