you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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