mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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