If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
