Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
