You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
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