Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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