I look better un-naked...
i think i have two assholes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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