So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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