It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
