when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
