Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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