My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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