he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
