Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
